You...

11/12/12

I Hate Thinking of You!

I really do. I hate that I think of you. There are many things that I wish to tell you but I can't bring myself to tell you. I can't move on because you are in my head. When I try to think of other guys, I think of you. When I see other couples, I think of you! I want to hate you but I just can't. I love you too much.
I met someone. Someone who is showing a great significant of interest in me. I like him. I think he is nice. But I do not see myself with him for a long time. I have been scarred by you! I wish we never happened. I wish you could have told me a lot sooner that you didn't feel anything for me. I wish that I never met you...and yet...I love you with all my heart that it KILLS me to see you with someone else when you swore to me that I would be the only one in your arms.
I may be overexagerating. I know. But...I can't help how my heart feels. I wish you would just recognize how I feel. How I have felt for a long time now. I hate you but I love you. I want you but I don't want to get back.
I don't know. You have changed so many things about me. I was willing to give up my dream of going to South Korea to visit. I loved you that much. I waited for you to graduate high school because I was a year ahead of you. I learned what patience means. I waited but you did not wait for me. I was willing to do anything if you wanted me to. I followed you blindly because I trusted you. I trusted that what you told me was true. That we would be together.


(sorry, I'ma return to my story after this but I just wanted to get these things out of my mind)

My past

11/12/2012

My Past Dictates What I Think About Today.

For those of you that know me, you know that I just got out of my longest relationship yet (not my only relationship but it is the one that hurt the most). Almost 2 years. It hurt. I still think about it, but it's getting easier to cope with. Life goes on, you know. Well, let me tell you about this relationship before I go on.

If you haven't yet viewed my other blog (the one about my college experience thus far), you should. It has a few important things in there. Well, his name for now will be Jr. I met him my sophomore year of high school in band. We played the same instrument: trombone.

At first, he was very shy and would not talk at all to anyone. Later, me and my best friend started "bugging" him so we can get him to talk and join in on the fun. He started opening up and developed feelings for one or both of us (not sure yet).  He asked me out near the end of my junior year. I said yes but then he started to talk about me meeting his parents and him meeting mine. I got scared (because I wasn't supposed to be dating anyone, according to my parents). I called it off but we still stayed friends and saw each other during the summer.

I found out that my best friend also liked him. I got sad and I didn't want to stand in her way so I backed off. Jr. told me that she had told him that she liked him. I encouraged him to go out with her because she is a very awesome person. After that, I couldn't dare to talk to him. I had confessed my feelings to him and felt awkward. My best friend did not know that I liked him. Also, I felt a bit mad or angry. Why? Because he sent me a txt message one night telling me that he was happy. I told him I noticed. He asked "Really? How?" I just told him I did ever since he started dating my friend. He said that he agreed. He said he didn't think he ever stopped liking her. So which meant...he lied to me when he told me he liked me. Or he hid something from me. I don't know. I am really confused about it.

They were together for a couple of months. Not sure if it was 2 or 3. I don't remember. Then they called it off. He had told her about us when they were dating which made it really awkward for me to talk to her. But, I started talking to him more. I kept telling myself that I would not date him. I told myself many times that. But one day I noticed that I had fallen deeply in love with him. I didn't want to. I had no plans to be with him.

Nov 26, 2010
It was cold that night. I met him at the park. He brought his friend and I brought my sister. We were playing basketball. He was really nice and every now and then...he would try and hold my hand. I didn't want to because my sister was there. I didn't want her to know...but it was kinda obvious...The night was coming to an end quickly. I didn't want to leave. We were walking towards my truck. We stopped beneath the slide of the playground.

We shared our first kiss.